Someone who wants to write just for the hell of seeing his thoughts

Goodnight Alex

One of the most interesting things about people is memory

How it works and how it's triggered

Outside of a 7/11 I just bought a pack of smokes

“So yeah he cancelled last minute like an asshole”

Like stepping into a bear trap

This voice caught me

I turned and saw a blonde haired woman with her friend

But it wasn't her

She was too short

That voice however had its teeth in me

I went home

I was sitting outside with a cup of coffee and chain smoking

Each inhale my mind computing images and sounds

Each exhale the emotions being processed with them

She came across my mind again as i thought of that voice

Hadn't thought of that blonde hair in years

Tall with light skin

Brownish eyes

She wore a lot of white

And torn jeans first time i met her

We talked a lot when i was younger

Everyday after class

7th grade

A confidant before i knew what the word meant

While some kids were calling me faggot

And others putting their hands on me

I felt happy

And safe with her

Talked about life and little random things

She liked to read and at the time that was the only thing i really did

Didn't hang out with anyone after class

So many said i didn't belong

Her smile was sweet and cute

Peach lips

She had white and pretty straight teeth

But the most important thing was her raspy voice

I could hear those strained vocal cords for days

Almost like a guitar missing a string

And an amp with a busted speaker

Technically it still shouldn't have worked

But i could still hear the music

Most importantly she was so nice to me

In a time when others were seeing me as a pariah

One time i had to pull someone half my height by their collar to leave me alone

My hands were shaking with anger

And my body shook with tears when i went to bed that night

But she would always listen to me

God her laughter was cute as well

Like a person dry heaving with a smile

The oddest thing in the world but it put a smile on my face

Valentines day of that year i decided i would tell her how i would feel

Got a white rose and wrote her a little poem

After class that day i was too scared to give it to her

Cowardice would be in my soul for a long time with her

Next day i gave her the flower and the poem as we were walking to the park after school

“If you gave it to me sooner i would have said yes”

I don't remember if she told me who gave her another flower

I just remember for once not hearing the smokers voice

But instead the loud ringing

Like a flash bang

First time rejection makes you forget the surrounding details

As the shame washes over like a scolding bath

Beads of sweat forming on my face

Like dew on the lawn in the morning

I walked home alone that day

We didn't talk much throughout the year

I pushed her away because god forbid i learn how to swallow my own pain

High school came and life had gotten better for me

Height gain and long hair gave me weird confidence

I wore metal t-shirts

Hang out with goths, punks, and nerds

Freshman year i saw her talking with girls that used to make fun of me

But at this point no one really said anything negative towards me

I'm pretty sure though it was because no one really recognized me

I just existed

A ghost inside a new body

I remembered how they killed me but i had no stab wounds

She somehow got taller but I was able to meet her height

Maybe she was a centimeter shorter at best

That smile i could still see with that short blonde hair

Never got close enough however to hear her talk

Junior year came and i had broken up with my ex of two years

I began smoking

Sometimes drinking on the weekend

Had a pack at least once a week

AP students i noticed were partying as hard if not harder than the burnouts

But luckily i just kept to my tobacco and late night coffee most of the time

I saw her on occasion in the courtyard but never approached her

Never saw her with anyone romantically

Just friends and lunches

She went from jeans to skirts and white to red

I remember passing by my AP Calc class and hearing her laugh once

Weird memories stick to you like tar

That hot day passing by a class filled with psychos that loved numbers

Same day my dad got so drunk he told me how much of a bitch my mom was

Will also be that day i heard that laughter in a long time

It was a cute laugh

I smiled

Senior year comes

Two weeks before we graduate i remember the school got into prep mode on how we would walk out

There was a practice session for all of us

I went to the classroom with my group, we were categorized by our last names

I got into the class and saw my best friend at the time

We had vandalized a house a week prior

A girl had been picking on his girlfriend

Chopped up fish and tossed it all over the place

I remember having shots afterwards and going to the gas station to buy two packs

We celebrated

In the class i saw her

She was talking to a colleague

Before i knew it that voice got me again

Like a cartoon i could almost begin seeing the notes dance around me

Distorted guitars

And thumping bass

That's what it felt like in my soul

My eyes kept turning to the sound once in awhile

I was a teenager

My mind thought of her in teenage ways

“What the fuck are you looking at man?”

“Huh-oh nothing just looking around”

She hadn’t really changed much

Leaner for sure

When we first met i forgot to mention she had a tiny belly

That belly was still a tiniest bit there but her body stretched out everywhere else

Again my mind thought of her in very compromising ways

If only she knew of how much different i was since 7th grade

Holding a wilted white rose and a poem that was crumpled up in my bag

But something else was more pressing

Her voice somehow sounded raspier though

I liked it

I should say something

She doesn't remember you

What makes you say that?

If she did she would have said something

Or maybe you look so different, for god sake your hair is pink

What do i do?

You know what, it's all good

Your right, besides I'm not anywhere on her radar

That night i got drunk and touched myself to her at the time

The voice alone made my body turn red hot

Two weeks later i walked

She was in my section

Right in front of me

She was talking to her friend the entire walk

Goddamn that voice is like a mental itch i didn't know needed scratched

We sat down

We stood up

We got our diplomas

We threw our hats in the air

I went out with friends

I left my home the next day without telling my mom

She cried a lot

But most importantly i still didn't say hi to her

Being a coward was still in my bones

Eight years later I’m outside halfway through a pack

Trying my darndest to remember her name

Her full name

I think about just saying hi and seeing if she remembers me at all

If she doesn't curiosity is strong enough for me to attempt to say hi at least this time

After ending an engagement i find conversation more fulfilling than romance

Plus she was so nice to me and i pushed her away

Guilt had a place in my decision as well

Luckily i knew who her friends would be

I find the facebook page

………….

Suicide two years ago

I stair at the in memoriam photo

Right before she still was really pretty

There is a video with her at a party

She is laughing so hard it makes me giggle with absurdity

“I think……-wheeze-........i think……-wheeze-........ I think i pissed myself a little”

I see now why i love odd things about pretty women

I get to hear that voice again…..

I down my coffee and put my smokes away

Cowardice has never left my body

Cowardice and bad timing

All i can do now is say

“Goodnight Alex”


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