Someone who wants to write just for the hell of seeing his thoughts

I am my father's son

I am my father's son

The other day i asked my father if he finds it hard to be happy

“I do, i think all ***** men do”

He didn't understand how some people could just be happy

Neither could I

Like a foreign transplant our bodies reject it

Even when it comes in i know better

I can feel the puss acumulating around the stitches

He even questioned weather people like him and i are ever meant to be happy

Peace only comes about our minds when we are working

Purpose

Not People

Make us feel alive

I am my father's son

When i was young i never asked for help

I could do anything on my own

Why would i ever need help?

My dad never needed help

I saw him draw things in an instant

Fix electronics and cars like he made them himself

Like his hands were what gave value to everything

A midas touch

I wanted to be like that man

No

I wanted to be better than that man

A giant that could one day dwarf him

I am my father's son

My father drank a lot when he felt hurt

When he felt like it was the only thing to numb his pain

A solid year i remember camel packs and pacifico beer

Separation broke him

When she left the house i drank half a bottle of whiskey

And smoked half a pack of spirits

Numbing nectar for a nauseated soul

I swam in dark waters of Jameson

With scuba tanks filled with Spirit smoke

Deep diving towards the bottom

Hoping to not return to the surface

Or if i do fast enough to get the bends

I am my father's son

So many days i would look in the mirror

Feeling an emptiness that no one can fill

That no thing can ever truly make whole

An emptiness that becomes suffocating

That lets the mind to wander

Explore the dark corners

Were relief comes in the form of escaping the body

Fleeing the mind

The pulse in my neck that feels like a drum chorus

Rat a tat tat

Rat a tat tat

Rat a tat tat

I just want the SILENCE!

…………...

I wonder

If am in this way as well to my father…..

When i was younger his smile made me smile

The biggest dork of a man that i ever knew

He had a big heart for others

One that could engulf anybody in their love

He was never afraid to hug me

Never afraid to show his son the love that a son needs

Especially from his father

A man who shared his love for science documentaries

And of legos

To a kid that never went outside

Always decided to instead hide

Inside books, video games, and movies

Music played in his ears for hours

Exploring sound like archaeologist explore towers

My mom would shake her head when i made a bad joke

Or when i cared for something

Or cried so easily at another person's pain

She told me many times

“You are your father's son”

Girls with Raspy Voices

Handcuffs and Love Bites