Someone who wants to write just for the hell of seeing his thoughts

June 14th

June 14th

It was a day

Just a day

Should have been kept as a day

Instead I was half a bottle in

Cigarette burns on pants that won't wash away

Scorch marks caused by burnt out memories

Lying on a bed too big for just one person

Like a cruise ship for one

As I lay down with alcohol being the waves rocking me back and forth

A tsunami of whiskey on the horizon

A note in one hand that read

“I am sorry

I love you so much

When we first met i was in a better place

I didn't have to put on my mask

It felt good to be alive for a moment

The weight of my mind was lighter than ever

The mornings weren’t so rough

Thoughts weren't bricks

Waiting to be thrown threw windows

I would find myself on morning runs

Panting out stress and thoughts of lovers

And of family that brought on the compulsions

My sweat carried with it more than just salt and water

But of pain and damage and apathy

Names that soon would be forgotten with each bead running down my face

I was becoming stronger

When you told me your problems I felt strong

Strong enough at least to help you through everything

I stopped my treatment to help you with yours

I got this I thought

I had all that I needed to take care of us

Than you wanted to see more of me

I felt the screws around my jawline tighten

Each day not alone another turn of the screw

Than you moved in and I drove us everywhere

I began to check the locks on the doors twice a night

What if someone broke in

Another turn of the screw

Than the medical bills began piling up

I washed my hands seven times till blisters began to form

Had to check the doors as well

Another turn

Another turn

You became more distant

I started having the thoughts again

Thoughts of being hurt and hurting

Washing my hands cause I could see the black mites running up my arms

Even though what I really saw was my hands cracking and bleeding

Checking the locks cause each thought went from a robbery to a rape to a murder

The screwdriver used on my jaw became electric cause no hands were strong enough

TURN

TURN

TURN

Like a time loop it would cycle again and again

Lock the doors twice, check the stove five times

Wash my hands seven, than have thoughts to counteract the thoughts of hurting myself

Or worst others

OCD can be a bitch like that

You asked me what was wrong

I told you what it was but that I could take care of it

I didn't want you to see me weak

I didn't want to be a burden

When I was young I got bullied

Girls came up to me and called me a fag

Guys would try to put hands on me

One point I held up someone by their throat half my size for names that made me half his

It pushed me to a breaking a point

Each night I had a dream of grabbing the fork

Puncturing my neck and my chest

Making my body like a shower head

Till the rivers of hate flowed out of me

Hopefully at full pressure

All that was weak leaving my useless husk

Hopefully my corpse would have served at least some purpose

Maggots need something to feed on

At some point I broke and told my parents

They took care of me and helped me out

I never felt weaker in my entire life

Never felt more worthless

Less than zero most would say

You asked if you could help

I told you no, I wasn’t going to be weak again

I pushed you so far away

Walls are easier to build for me than to break down

I thought it made only sense for when you had concerns of us

I just end it

I just end it all

Make it easier for you to leave

For you to forget

For you to hopefully not have to care what I do tonight

I'm sorry for ever being a burden

I'm sorry for ever causing you pain

You deserve someone with value

I love you

Please take care”

On the bed there was a knife with a white handle

My grandmother always used this knife to cut

Papaya

Mango

Melon

Manzana

Everything to feed the soul

Comida para mi corazón

So many of my meals were prepared with this knife

So many of the few happy moments

But tonight that which helped feed me will  take care of the noise

I held it to my wrist

Ready to ignore the ripcord

As I fall down faster to earth

Time to stop the noise

Brace for impact

……………………….

I wake up to the sound of birds cawing and dogs barking

I look and see the knife had dropped out of my hands

The whiskey made me pass out before a mistake occurred

I started laughing louder than i ever had in a long time

Then came the weeping

Body shaking like a diabetic jonesing for an orange

Or more accurately when my dad needs a coke

After a solid shake I got up

My poison last night became my savior

I threw away the note

I put on my shoes

I went for a run

Brown Eyes

Girls with Raspy Voices