Five A.M.
Awake
Asleep
Alive
Annihilated
A night of opportunities
Glaring flash on my screen
The sun blinding the room from a black box
Loud rings that are rattling my skull
A turbine full of skeletons and self-disgust
Ready to take to the skies
Five letters on my screen
“Hello?”
“Why didn't you call me after your plane landed?”
“Im sorry babe i got a little drunk on the flight and forgot”
I did get drunk on the flight
But not enough to forget the call
Just enough to give myself the excuse
The screen is now black
As I hold her voice to my ear
Her concern
A sonic sledgehammer
Is chipping away at my mental wall
As I hold back the truth
There is a drawn curtain that fights back the light
Fights back the judgement
“Well you sound like hell, were you out the rest of the night drinking?”
“No i just went straight to the hotel, you know how i am with flights”
I did go out to the nearest bar to have more drinks
I pounded back drinks like Tyson pounded people
No restraints
No holding back
“Well i'm glad that you are ok but you scared the shit out of me, you can't do that on my birthday”
“I know babe im sorry, by the way happy birthday!”
Fuck I did this on her birthday
Fuck
Why did it have to be her birthday?
Currently all i have for her is a lie that she can hopefully believe
And a truth that i can take to my grave
Great gifts for a birthday
“You excited to see me tomorrow?”
“Of course i am! I can't wait to see your face”
Of course i'm not!
I don't want to see your face!
Not after what i woke up to
I felt regret move up to my shoulders
Kissing my neck
“Well get some rest, I’ll scold you after you get a lot more coherent”
“Thanks, can't wait for the scolding, i love you Jamie”
“I love you too”
I hung up
Long black curly hair now rested down my chest
Like a scarf made of broken promises and fucked up years to come
It draped over my shoulders
“Last night was fun”
Shame never felt so hot
Igniting my integrity like an inferno
Last night was a mistake
Last night i should have called
Last night i should have gone straight to the hotel
Last night i shouldn't gone more past two
Last night i shouldn't have given her my hotel number
Last night I shouldn't have told a stranger the same sweet things i told Jamie
Last night
Should
Not
Have
Existed!
………………..
But last night came
And last night is gone
And a new day with a loss of self began now
Five A.M.