Someone who wants to write just for the hell of seeing his thoughts

Five A.M.

Five A.M.

Awake

Asleep

Alive

Annihilated

A night of opportunities

Glaring flash on my screen

The sun blinding the room from a black box

Loud rings that are rattling my skull

A turbine full of skeletons and self-disgust

Ready to take to the skies

Five letters on my screen

“Hello?”

“Why didn't you call me after your plane landed?”

“Im sorry babe i got a little drunk on the flight and forgot”

I did get drunk on the flight

But not enough to forget the call

Just enough to give myself the excuse

The screen is now black

As I hold her voice to my ear

Her concern

A sonic sledgehammer

Is chipping away at my mental wall

As I hold back the truth

There is a drawn curtain that fights back the light

Fights back the judgement

“Well you sound like hell, were you out  the rest of the night drinking?”

“No i just went straight to the hotel, you know how i am with flights”

I did go out to the nearest bar to have more drinks

I pounded back drinks like Tyson pounded people

No restraints

No holding back

“Well i'm glad that you are ok but you scared the shit out of me, you can't do that on my birthday”

“I know babe im sorry, by the way happy birthday!”

Fuck I did this on her birthday

Fuck

Why did it have to be her birthday?

Currently all i have for her is a lie that she can hopefully believe

And a truth that i can take to my grave

Great gifts for a birthday

“You excited to see me tomorrow?”

“Of course i am! I can't wait to see your face”

Of course i'm not!

I don't want to see your face!

Not after what i woke up to

I felt regret move up to my shoulders

Kissing my neck

“Well get some rest, I’ll scold you after you get a  lot more coherent”

“Thanks, can't wait for the scolding, i love you Jamie”

“I love you too”

I hung up

Long black curly hair now rested down my chest

Like a scarf made of broken promises and fucked up years to come

It draped over my shoulders

“Last night was fun”

Shame never felt so hot

Igniting my integrity like an inferno

Last night was a mistake

Last night i should have called

Last night i should have gone straight to the hotel

Last night i shouldn't gone more past two

Last night i shouldn't have given her my hotel number

Last night I shouldn't have told a stranger the same sweet things i told Jamie

Last night

Should

Not

Have

Existed!

………………..

But last night came

And last night is gone

And a new day with a loss of self began now

Five A.M.

Leaving me

Fight or Flight, I choose flight